The heart begins to beat with overwhelming beats, lips dented with clenched teeth, eyes narrowing in vision, and nails digging into palms.
Upon being faced with such tremendous fear of being found out, my mind races though words escape me. Doubt in me is all that you now can see, where I've become a manifestation of failure and disappointment - it's only this that fills your mind; all that surrounds you are dark clouds and raging winds that only I created. The sight of a peaceful horizon, the image of what I have yet to make of myself lies far across to a place where the eyes can't reach and the sun blinds the view. Though I feel beyond the reach of grace, my heart yearns for clouds to break and the seas to calm its waves. I am lost, now, with only one idea of how to overcome this - my God, my strength. I say that stress doesn't become me nor does it take hold of me, but I come to welcome these days where I can find things to keep my hands busy and away from falling back and further. I put up a facade of strength and take pride in appearing as composed as I fool myself to be, but the walls have come down.
Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours.
I may have fooled myself to thinking that I could change before this day, but I hadn't thought that I had to start someday. I can no longer push back tears - the tears that threaten to break me and envelope me. I am broken. Not readily will I admit I am weak, nor say that things have been going my way. But I am thankful for the friends that have warned me and slapped me for who I've become as I deviated from the life expected of me. My greatest fear in life isn't a frog nor falling, but of disappointment - which, in fact, I know I face everyday. A friend asked me what I was so afraid of in this matter of confrontation, and I said that it was knowing that I would be saved from fault, that my actions are reflections of someone else's mistake and shortcomings, to which I detest, my actions are mine and I would never shift blame so I could be spared.
Lord, break my heart for what break my parents' hearts.
Every teen in their time wishes to experience all that the world has to offer, to find out for themselves what mistakes to make and those that shouldn't be made at all. As much as I complain about the limitations of my life, and the hassles that I can't control in this house, I could never have been given better parents. I know how disappointed my parents' are of me and I wouldn't wish this on any one else; but it is only with the Lord in this family that I have never felt short on love. Two out of two - failures, but still they somehow see hope, whether it's to manifest the knowledge they've tried to impart or to surpass them as we move up and move on into the real world. I will always need them. The Lord is here and He is good to us, and I pray for strength as I push myself to do better.
Ecclesiastes 9:9 - "Whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might."
2 Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is all you need, my power works best in weakness."
Lord, I am weak and I desperately need your grace.
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