The heart begins to beat with overwhelming beats, lips dented with clenched teeth, eyes narrowing in vision, and nails digging into palms.
Upon being faced with such tremendous fear of being found out, my mind races though words escape me. Doubt in me is all that you now can see, where I've become a manifestation of failure and disappointment - it's only this that fills your mind; all that surrounds you are dark clouds and raging winds that only I created. The sight of a peaceful horizon, the image of what I have yet to make of myself lies far across to a place where the eyes can't reach and the sun blinds the view. Though I feel beyond the reach of grace, my heart yearns for clouds to break and the seas to calm its waves. I am lost, now, with only one idea of how to overcome this - my God, my strength. I say that stress doesn't become me nor does it take hold of me, but I come to welcome these days where I can find things to keep my hands busy and away from falling back and further. I put up a facade of strength and take pride in appearing as composed as I fool myself to be, but the walls have come down.
Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours.
I may have fooled myself to thinking that I could change before this day, but I hadn't thought that I had to start someday. I can no longer push back tears - the tears that threaten to break me and envelope me. I am broken. Not readily will I admit I am weak, nor say that things have been going my way. But I am thankful for the friends that have warned me and slapped me for who I've become as I deviated from the life expected of me. My greatest fear in life isn't a frog nor falling, but of disappointment - which, in fact, I know I face everyday. A friend asked me what I was so afraid of in this matter of confrontation, and I said that it was knowing that I would be saved from fault, that my actions are reflections of someone else's mistake and shortcomings, to which I detest, my actions are mine and I would never shift blame so I could be spared.
Lord, break my heart for what break my parents' hearts.
Every teen in their time wishes to experience all that the world has to offer, to find out for themselves what mistakes to make and those that shouldn't be made at all. As much as I complain about the limitations of my life, and the hassles that I can't control in this house, I could never have been given better parents. I know how disappointed my parents' are of me and I wouldn't wish this on any one else; but it is only with the Lord in this family that I have never felt short on love. Two out of two - failures, but still they somehow see hope, whether it's to manifest the knowledge they've tried to impart or to surpass them as we move up and move on into the real world. I will always need them. The Lord is here and He is good to us, and I pray for strength as I push myself to do better.
Ecclesiastes 9:9 - "Whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might."
2 Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is all you need, my power works best in weakness."
Lord, I am weak and I desperately need your grace.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
On a Cramming Spree
It is this time in the school year that hope of upping one's grade is shot. Final requirements are banking the corner and all I can do is hold on and pray that the minimal effort I have put in get me through. A lack of inspiration clouds the mind, barred from rekindling the intellectual flame, where now I have only barely begun to reach.
Everyone needs a little inspiration, a lucky cricket on their shoulder, an angel to watch over. When it feels like the world is spinning the opposite direction, the clouds that parted begin to twist into a fast approaching hurricane and here you stand in its eye, the calm before the winds kick down the door.
It's the final weeks and requirements that seemed a horizon away are now at my fingertips. Tests, papers, orals and even more papers. People's advice is to take it one by one, step by step and somehow I'd get to the end; like a turtle or a snail creeping to the finish line, I push on hoping not to get trampled on. However, I got into a course that teaches development. How can I take things one at a time when development is in every class I'm taking; whether it's business statistics, theology of social liberation and the option for the poor, or project management it's all geared towards social development? Taking things sequentially now seems an impossible task, all the classes have blended together like a fruit shake gone wrong. You think of one, you think of them all. Difficulty after difficulty like a house of cards built on a pillow.
On top of this so-imagined deck of cards stand Alzheimer's. Everyday I pray for a sign of hope, however knowing that it only fades, literally. I fear for the vulnerable mind that is unaware of its state; I fear the day that my face becomes unknown and my name unheard of. Frustration sometimes gets the better of me, where visually there is a strong woman sitting in front of me and it seems as though all is well, I refuse to run on the loop with her thinking that somehow she can come back. I see how each day is a challenge, an unknown battle to be faced, but each day it is won. Here's my little inspiration: my grandmother battling this disease without even knowing its existence. This is what it means to take things day by day and moment by moment. Here she refuses assistance despite her inabilities; the mind is strong-willed and even more so when the body is worn down.
My life verse: Ecclesiastes 9:10
10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might,for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.
Everyone needs a little inspiration, a lucky cricket on their shoulder, an angel to watch over. When it feels like the world is spinning the opposite direction, the clouds that parted begin to twist into a fast approaching hurricane and here you stand in its eye, the calm before the winds kick down the door.
It's the final weeks and requirements that seemed a horizon away are now at my fingertips. Tests, papers, orals and even more papers. People's advice is to take it one by one, step by step and somehow I'd get to the end; like a turtle or a snail creeping to the finish line, I push on hoping not to get trampled on. However, I got into a course that teaches development. How can I take things one at a time when development is in every class I'm taking; whether it's business statistics, theology of social liberation and the option for the poor, or project management it's all geared towards social development? Taking things sequentially now seems an impossible task, all the classes have blended together like a fruit shake gone wrong. You think of one, you think of them all. Difficulty after difficulty like a house of cards built on a pillow.
On top of this so-imagined deck of cards stand Alzheimer's. Everyday I pray for a sign of hope, however knowing that it only fades, literally. I fear for the vulnerable mind that is unaware of its state; I fear the day that my face becomes unknown and my name unheard of. Frustration sometimes gets the better of me, where visually there is a strong woman sitting in front of me and it seems as though all is well, I refuse to run on the loop with her thinking that somehow she can come back. I see how each day is a challenge, an unknown battle to be faced, but each day it is won. Here's my little inspiration: my grandmother battling this disease without even knowing its existence. This is what it means to take things day by day and moment by moment. Here she refuses assistance despite her inabilities; the mind is strong-willed and even more so when the body is worn down.
My life verse: Ecclesiastes 9:10
10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might,for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.
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