Heartstrong

Heartstrong - a word that Fr. Villarin, Ateneo's President had come up with during our batch's graduation. It was the theme of his speech that day. And only 5 months later do I truly grasp the gravity of this idea. The heart can only carry so much burden and emotions at the same time that when it is overwhelmed, physical effects become evident. Many women and even men (though you'll never get them to admit) are familiar with a side effect of sadness called crying - a cathartic release from the overflow of happiness or grief. We experience shortness of breath, anger, and other kinds of physical pain when our metaphoric heart has reached its limit. But in spite of all of this, we remain heartstrong because we know that we don't have to carry this burden alone. Being heartstrong just doesn't mean that you are able to take on every circumstance and pull through without any help. It is when we come together and face the problem as a unified body that our hearts become heartstrong.

And I must be honest, the burdens are too great to bear. Finding out that one friend has stage 2 cervical cancer and the other comatose in the ICU after nearly drowning - both of them fighting for their lives, is just too much for my little heart to bear. But it's truly amazing to see how the ultimate community is heartstrong!
My friend David said, "a community that watches out for its own is something to behold."The battle has just begun for Anna - the ultimate player with stage 2 cervical cancer and for Aaron - the 24 yr. old basketball and ultimate player who is hanging on and fighting to keep his life. These people need us to be heartstrong for them and fight this fight with them. The pain and heartache that they carry is not theirs to bear alone but for us to help them carry it to victory. The burden that I feel in my heart is not my own but that of the people whose hearts are also hurting by these turn of events - and it is a burden that I willingly carry throughout the battles that we face. Let's keep praying for them and in Him we trust that His plan will workout for the good because we are His children whom He loves.
#parakayalinganna #prayforaaron

This is exactly what the ultimate community embodies. When one of its members has fallen ill or has gotten into a terrible situation, you can count on them to take immediate action. I can say that it has been a very challenging week for the family and friends of Anna and Aaron, but most especially for the Pancake family. For these two amazing people have blessed our lives so immensely that they hold such a dear place in our hearts and we go through this battle with them and not just on the sidelines. In spite of everything that has happened in the past 10 days, it's truly a blessing to be a part of a community that puts a high value on its members, for what is a community without the people to thrive in it. I have found my place among these people, they are my people, and we are heartstrong!

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At 2:40AM today, Aaron has joined our Creator.

Today we said goodbye to a dear friend. A friend whose smiling eyes and incredible personality will always hold a place in our hearts. I may not have known you that long but I can only wish that you knew just how much joy you've brought into my life, our Pancake family, and to all your friends and family. That in these past few days I've gotten to know you even more through the different stories shared by all these people who truly love you. I am thankful to God for the life he has given you and amazed at all the lives you've blessed in the short time you've been with us.

When we look up to the skies we'll your smiling eyes watching over us. We love you Aaron, you are truly truly missed! 

On Recovery

A testimony is usually a story about grappling with struggle and overcoming adversity. It's about rising up to the challenges that life offers - and doing so by faith in God. We are tried to our utmost limits, tested through the hottest flames, and we emerge as renewed beings that have transcended beyond our past selves. I have been inspired by these stories many times over and they continue to inspire me still; though a testimony is usually given when the troubles have past. It is rare, however, to encounter testimonies during the time of adversity. And this is what I've been mulling over these past few days, how to convey words that will encourage others to press on and not to think that all is lost. We are stronger than our adversity.


In the middle of the storm, it's difficult to see the sun beyond the clouds.


We are not bound by the addictions we have, overcoming them is not an impossible task because what we must understand is that we are greater than our circumstances. It is not easy. It is not fast. But it's not impossible either. I have not yet fully recovered and I still struggle with my addiction every single day. In the midst of battling with my own weaknesses I find that there are a few essentials - faith, friends, and (sometimes) food. And all of these are tightly wrapped in one delicious burrito.


Faith.

It's easy enough to understand the role of faith when in remission. When the problem seems bigger than the person, it is always best to remember that there is an even greater God. The time spent in fighting the struggle with our human limitations may be time lost in doing ministry work, developing one's self, or even just focusing on the things that are eternal. Struggles will end and God has claimed victory over every one of them.


Friends.

Accountability is one definite way of keeping yourself in check. For me, accountability not only having someone tell me not to do it or to have a witness to my commitment but also a matter of pride - the fact that I don't want to have to tell my accountability buddy that I failed. Being as competitive as I am, failure is never taken lightly, no matter the circumstance.


Food.

Next to dogs, food is man's best friend. It's also a good way to spend time with friends and not with your struggle!


The storm will pass. And the future is always brighter.


I look forward to when that future becomes my present. Until then, keep on keeping on.

Roller Coasting Through Life

I find myself on another one of God's roller coasters.

I buckle myself in, preparing myself for what's coming, bracing myself for the twists and turns that could throw me off and hand me over to gravity. Honestly, I have never been a fan of such roller coaster rides, the thrill that comes with life threatening moments just doesn't appeal to my nature; more than that, I am terrified of how similar it is to life - being thrust into a world where familiarity eludes me and comfort escapes me, it definitely doesn't exactly send messages of peace. Now too little, too late the window to escape has shut and I have to face the unknown and hold on for dear life. And this is just how life is. But we have to get on the ride of life to be able to experience something amazing, though it may be terrifying and underwear may be flying, you are guaranteed to get your money's worth.

Then, there is the Lord - the Man who checks in to see if all strapped in tight - He knows the course, He built the course; but I still fear for the tricks up those enormous sleeves of His. I repeat to myself that I am ready, that it will be over soon, and that my life was totally not at risk. But that's just it. Life is the risks we take. Nobody ever talks about that time they sat on couch all day and had the most life changing experience, no. Everything we are capable of is achievable by taking a breath and pushing off the bed, and trusting that God has full control.

Anticipation.

Moving slowly toward the peak, the excitement building. The worry that I may fall off has been reassured by God and I trust that I am safe in His grand design. On the rise I may see glimpses of the course but what is right in front of my eyes is the peak and nothing more. At times I may resist the strains that keep me in my place to escape from dread of the drop. But slow and steady I rise higher and higher, my heartbeats are racing and I can only hold my breath knowing that the I am at a point of no return. And I take the plunge.

I have just celebrated my 21st birthday, and I'm realizing that about two decades ago I was a child that needed constant support to get by a single day and now the world brands me an adult. In my last year as a student, perchance that I don't take Masters, it's been all about getting ready for the "real world" as if the world I am in now isn't real enough as it is. I talk amongst friends who talk about work and marriage, and somehow it's all becoming a little too real. I'm plunging downwards and there's nothing to stop me, life is not taking on a low point but rather that my last semester has arrived and I'll be breezing through the next months until graduation, and then it'll all be over. More than a decade and a half of being a student, and I now have my whole life ahead of me, or so they say. There's so much more the world is handing me than I have yet to realize, and I don't know whether I should reach to attain that or cherish the last moments of college knowing that the chapter is ending. I choose then to cherish what I have, for I won't have it forever. I choose to create more memories that I may carry with me as experiences of joy, as well as experiences that are character building. I choose not to leave behind what I still have until I have to let go. And I choose to wait patiently for that which the future brings.

Take a Hint or Take a Hit

I come from the standpoint of demanding the luxury of some level of independence or maybe free choice, if that were at all a plausible cause. One wiser might say this is but a childish rebellion but from here I take on rebellion and challenge for reason (not treason). Standing on a time when I have broken free from the thrall of mindless obedience, and turn to seek for mutual recognition of the present conundrums.

Would it be a valid argument to ask, "what is the point?" Or does it automatically constitute defiance? Being in the position I am in, I dare not threaten judgement for fear of exactly the latter. Of the question, it is a point well made by those who have imposed this monarchic, sovereign power for perhaps two decades, such that I remain in no place to demand justification for the reasoning that I am subjected to in not pursuing my own desires. At this point in my life, the desires that have filled me are that of somewhat simpler callings - friendship, closeness, progress, and small scale success; and, I have found a place that offers all and more than what I had initially hoped for. Sports has always been my passion, my comfort, and to have that taken has dampened my spirits me in many ways than one. Many highlights of my life have come from experiences from basketball and ultimate - experiences that I hope never to stray from my mind. Over the years, I have taken refuge under the surprisingly calming feeling of competition; the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual release arising from such activities pose not a threat to my well-being but rather peace, and at time catharsis. I long, now, for the feeling of overwhelming peace found in a moment of desperation - desperation in the dying seconds of a teeth clenching game, desperation during the last point of a do or die.

Apart from the countless wins, championships, teams that I have had the privilege of representing, it is the feeling of utter joy in these moments that make it all worthwhile.

Although the best memories are from that, so are some of the worst; not so much the loss of a game but of the separation from my passion. Pouring my heart out to something and having it pulled like a rug underneath me just takes a heavy toll........

The Hand That Shines Scarlet

The heart begins to beat with overwhelming beats, lips dented with clenched teeth, eyes narrowing in vision, and nails digging into palms.

Upon being faced with such tremendous fear of being found out, my mind races though words escape me. Doubt in me is all that you now can see, where I've become a manifestation of failure and disappointment - it's only this that fills your mind; all that surrounds you are dark clouds and raging winds that only I created. The sight of a peaceful horizon, the image of what I have yet to make of myself lies far across to a place where the eyes can't reach and the sun blinds the view. Though I feel beyond the reach of grace, my heart yearns for clouds to break and the seas to calm its waves. I am lost, now, with only one idea of how to overcome this - my God, my strength. I say that stress doesn't become me nor does it take hold of me, but I come to welcome these days where I can find things to keep my hands busy and away from falling back and further. I put up a facade of strength and take pride in appearing as composed as I fool myself to be, but the walls have come down.

Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I may have fooled myself to thinking that I could change before this day, but I hadn't thought that I had to start someday. I can no longer push back tears - the tears that threaten to break me and envelope me. I am broken. Not readily will I admit I am weak, nor say that things have been going my way. But I am thankful for the friends that have warned me and slapped me for who I've become as I deviated from the life expected of me. My greatest fear in life isn't a frog nor falling, but of disappointment - which, in fact, I know I face everyday. A friend asked me what I was so afraid of in this matter of confrontation, and I said that it was knowing that I would be saved from fault, that my actions are reflections of someone else's mistake and shortcomings, to which I detest, my actions are mine and I would never shift blame so I could be spared.

Lord, break my heart for what break my parents' hearts.

Every teen in their time wishes to experience all that the world has to offer, to find out for themselves what mistakes to make and those that shouldn't be made at all. As much as I complain about the limitations of my life, and the hassles that I can't control in this house, I could never have been given better parents. I know how disappointed my parents' are of me and I wouldn't wish this on any one else; but it is only with the Lord in this family that I have never felt short on love. Two out of two - failures, but still they somehow see hope, whether it's to manifest the knowledge they've tried to impart or to surpass them as we move up and move on into the real world. I will always need them. The Lord is here and He is good to us, and I pray for strength as I push myself to do better.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 - "Whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might."
2 Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is all you need, my power works best in weakness."

Lord, I am weak and I desperately need your grace.

On a Cramming Spree

It is this time in the school year that hope of upping one's grade is shot. Final requirements are banking the corner and all I can do is hold on and pray that the minimal effort I have put in get me through. A lack of inspiration clouds the mind, barred from rekindling the intellectual flame, where now I have only barely begun to reach.

Everyone needs a little inspiration, a lucky cricket on their shoulder, an angel to watch over. When it feels like the world is spinning the opposite direction, the clouds that parted begin to twist into a fast approaching hurricane and here you stand in its eye, the calm before the winds kick down the door.

It's the final weeks and requirements that seemed a horizon away are now at my fingertips. Tests, papers, orals and even more papers. People's advice is to take it one by one, step by step and somehow I'd get to the end; like a turtle or a snail creeping to the finish line, I push on hoping not to get trampled on. However, I got into a course that teaches development. How can I take things one at a time when development is in every class I'm taking; whether it's business statistics, theology of social liberation and the option for the poor, or project management it's all geared towards social development? Taking things sequentially now seems an impossible task, all the classes have blended together like a fruit shake gone wrong. You think of one, you think of them all. Difficulty after difficulty like a house of cards built on a pillow.

On top of this so-imagined deck of cards stand Alzheimer's. Everyday I pray for a sign of hope, however knowing that it only fades, literally. I fear for the vulnerable mind that is unaware of its state; I fear the day that my face becomes unknown and my name unheard of. Frustration sometimes gets the better of me, where visually there is a strong woman sitting in front of me and it seems as though all is well, I refuse to run on the loop with her thinking that somehow she can come back. I see how each day is a challenge, an unknown battle to be faced, but each day it is won. Here's my little inspiration: my grandmother battling this disease without even knowing its existence. This is what it means to take things day by day and moment by moment. Here she refuses assistance despite her inabilities; the mind is strong-willed and even more so when the body is worn down.

My life verse: Ecclesiastes 9:10
¹⁰ Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might,for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

Here

There is much truth to silence. There is more depth to a smile than one can fathom. There is only loss in  heart that wanders. 

I haven't written much since the last year, whether to blog or to write on a journal; not that there is a lack of thoughts to ponder nor are there less reasons to ignite the writing flame in me. I have been somewhat preoccupied with other matter such as school and ultimate frisbee as becoming major parts of my life (yes, analogy intended).  I have committed myself to becoming active once again in Jzone as to rekindle the Spirit indwelling me, starting with the college movement. On top of all the excuses I can gather, it is because I have been content in my life with nothing too great to handle for me. I dread, however, admitting to myself that things have started to go off track in terms of academics that as the year ends, the requirements pile up and I am left buried in the heap that i to built my future. 

It has been quite a struggle to get away all the complications that the heart harbors, being able to move past the past without losing yourself in the process has never been an easy task for anyone. But, lately, I have found myself distracted by these things and more focused on another venture. A possibility is what I consider - the "perhaps" box is where that's placed. Let's say that I have cut off my heart from getting in the way of some innocent flirting and some harmless banter. But truth be told, it has ever been completely possible.  Though I may not have those strong feelings or any claim, I look forward to each conversation and reached a point of checking for an update more and more often than is acceptable for one who seems not interested. Many have said that change has consumed my perhaps and it is only now that I see the change - and I must contest on its good nature. I can only hope that "allizzwell".